Thursday, April 21, 2005

Part of the Story: Why I Speak for the Victims

This diary is personal...and extremely inflammatory. I would ask that you read this all the way through before you flame the topic or the comments that people make.

If you have a deep and strong conviction about organized religion and about church congregations be warned I have absolutely no respect organized religion. I do not hate people in general, regardless of their political or religious beliefs. I am deeply spiritual and have nothing but an abiding faith in the goodness of mankind as a whole. For me there is a deep belief in a supreme being, even if that being is within ones self, that guides us.

People have vociferously defended and derided religion and religious beliefs in the diaries. There have also been a lot of us that do not support organized religion and churches. General terms have been used such as corruption of the leaders among other reasons for the vocal diatribes. Tonight I am going to tell my story - be patient - I'll try not to be wordy here but this is very emotional for me. I grew up in deeply religious Mormon family. My parents were married in the temple and all of the children were baptized when the time was appropriate. We went to church every Sunday as a family, the kids went to after school church programs, and my parents taught Sunday School.

We were an ideal church going family but Domestic Violence was a way of life in our house.

Break a dish and get a beating, iron a shirt wrong and get slapped, talk back and get a belt, try to protect the kids and my Mom got a couple of broken ribs. Victims of domestic violence know what I am talking about...some of you may have seen it on TV...the stories are all true. By the way - I hate the term domestic violence - it is violent assault and abuse - there is no other way to say it. Just so we don't blame this on the Utah culture, a significant portion of my childhood was spent in other states, and a substantial time near Seattle while I was in my early teens. But let me get to organized religion - which is what this story is about.

I believed my Sunday School teachers - if you ever have a problem you can talk to the church leaders. About the age of 12 I did just that - told a church leader about the abuse. Holy Shit! Big counseling sessions followed - with the church leaders and my parents. Kids not allowed. Prayer was the answer and spending quality time as a family. Right - not even close. Since I was the troublemaker my share of the beatings got worse. My mother sent me to live with my grandmother when I threatened to runaway from home. A couple more broken ribs for my mom on that one.

Time jump - 8 or so months later I am now 13 and my family moves back to Utah. I have no choice but to move back with my family. So off to church we go as a good church going family - but nothing has changed. My oldest sister graduated from high school and immediately moves out. By winter I try again...this time I talked to a school counselor showing the latest welts from a whipping with a belt and then to the Sheriff's Department. The cops go to talk to my dad. He commits suicide when they knock on the door - 2 days before my 14th birthday.

-----Okay - if you've made it this far - I recommend taking deep breaths. -----

Now we talk about more of the help that didn't happen. About the ostracism that came from the church leaders - because we didn't keep our problems in The Church. Because we talked to legal authorities not the church...and then there were the counselors recommended by the church leaders. About what a misbehaved and ill-brought up child I was for talking about family problems. And through it all we went to Sunday School and pretended that the world was loving and good - hypocrites in the name of religion.

Teenagers can game any system - and psychologists don't stand a chance. So I gamed the system...I wanted someone to listen to me and hear my pain but they didn't. The counselors gave me pat lines about trusting in God and church. I attempted suicide the same year and spent time in the hospital because of it...and still they didn't listen. And still we went to church. A church that rejected my friends because they were black. A church that told me to listen to the man of the house and trust his ways. A church that condoned by no follow-up and non-action child abuse and domestic violence.

From 14 until almost 40 I went to other churches looking for an honest and open leadership: UCC, Episcopal, Methodist, Lutheran, even Catholic. Looking for a place to call home where victims were welcome and nurtured. They all taught the same thing...patriarchy and church first. I probably own dozen or more books on comparative religion. What the churches said and what the theology said were rarely the same.

In my 40's someone introduced me to Paganism. Paganism - where all Gods are one God and all Goddesses are one Goddess. Where the love you give is the love that comes back to you threefold. Where what you send out - good or evil comes back threefold.

Whatever your religion, I have no argument or conflict of the basic theology.

    * Do I trust a leader of any church because they are the leader of the church? Absolutely not
    * Do I trust a person, who happens to be a religious leader such as a pastor or priest? If I feel that I know that person - Absolutely

Before the condemnation flies to those not believing in organized religion - pause to find out why. Mine is a painful story that I only tell rarely - and usually to abused children conference seminars. This week's diaries made me feel the need to tell this story - because of the overwhelming focus on organized religion. Before you flame or condemn or even criticize I would ask that you think twice about the lack of tolerance - or walk in my shoes for a few miles.

My sanity and ability to love I owe not to any religion that I trusted. I owe it to a wonderful uncle that saw and listened and cared. A caring, spiritual man, that never went to church.

Welcome to Voice for Change

This is a new endeavor for me - a political voice that will be an advocate for victims of violence.

The focus will be predominantly women and children and domestic violence.

This focus will also address how oppression of women and children leads to human rights abuses within my own country and around the world.

I am not out to change the world - just to inform even a few people of the violence and oppression that exists...physically, emotionally and psychologically.